We had a visit from the nurse on Wednesday. Baby GL received his last Synergist shot. Hallelujah, flu season is almost done! He always cries with that shot. I don't blame him because the needle is very long and I'm sure it hurts him. The nurse weighed and measured him and wow did we have a great week. His current weight is 13lbs 11oz, she measured his height at 23 3/4 inches. The height always differs depending on how well he sits still. Baby GL's weight gain was excellent this month, over a pound gained since the last nurse visit. If we stay on this momentum he's catch up to his age in no time.
I officially shifted his clothes around. No more newborn clothes. We are into the 0-3 and 3 month clothing now. It's always bittersweet putting away clothes. I battle wanting him to stay small so I can cuddle him but yet I want him to grow so big to catch up.
Wednesday night I took Baby GL to church for Ash Wednesday. It was our first time going to church aside from his baptism. We made sure to sit in the "crying" room at the back. Makes sense to have a small room separated by glass so not to disturb the other patrons. There were actually 2 of these rooms and both were full and very noisy. At the moment we went to receive the ashes I got a little teary eyed. I went to the priest that performed his baptism and it just made me emotional to have both Baby GL and myself blessed. I thank goodness for each day that I have with him and I still after a year get so emotional about it.
Walking through the church with him in my arms and the oxygen on his face, I got the feeling that people were staring and I think I get that feeling a lot. It could be completely in my head, but we have, frequently, the curious questions of why he's on O2. So many people assume the worst of him because of the O2. Baby GL sees it as just another toy to play with and put in his mouth. He actually makes me feel better about the O2 when he chews on the cording.
So I'm making myself very vulnerable now. I feel it's important to talk about and I hope that there are others out there that feel the same that I do and maybe are afraid or nervous to talk about it. I've had moments of breakdown over the last few months. I know for myself that in moments of privacy the emotions swell up. Even when I'm driving down the street I remember back to the days when we didn't know the outcome of this journey. It doesn't take having a small baby in the NICU to feel overwhelmed in our lives. I don't want to label it as postpartum depression, but I wonder if it's something that can kick in even a year after giving birth.
We waited 6 months for our son to be released from the hospital and I know that my job during those 6 months were to be the support of our family. Just because my son came early and he didn't come home I still needed to continue with our life. There were things to be done, bills to pay, jobs to maintain, household duties that needed to get done to be prepared for our son's homecoming. I needed to be the one to reassure everyone that the outcome with be successful even though I was terrified to know what could have happened. Life never stopped, in fact it became busier, as any mother could testify to. Baby comes and life moves even faster.
Now that we have successfully made it to a year and we've seen such wonderful progress being made by Baby GL I feel all the emotions that I had to push deep down finding their way to the surface. I find it harder to get out of bed. I stand in the shower not wanting to get out. It's difficult to drag myself to get a workout in and it's simply easier to go to a fast food place to get myself a meal than to try to prepare one at home. I had to finally break down and open my husband's eyes to how I've been feeling and it wasn't easy. I don't want to be so vulnerable, I don't want to look weak. He was always the one that I allowed to be emotional while I stayed the rock. It was me who made the 911 call, it was me to talk to all the doctors, it was me to handle all "business". Now, I don't want anyone to think I'm saying anything negative about my husband. He tried many times to comfort me and even tried to get me out for a spa day, but I couldn't see spending the money when we needed to buy a highchair. He, just as myself, had to pick a roll and for myself it was easier to pick the roll of CEO. My name was on all the paperwork because I was the one that gave birth to our son so naturally the doctors and nurses contacted "Mom". Maybe I'm wrong, but believe many of us go through the struggles of knowing how to balance our roles and to take the time to care for ourselves. Our choice is usually to keep the emotion to ourselves and keep the household afloat. Unfortunately, we get to a point of breaking.
A year in and so much progress made, I can finally take a moment to breath. I'm not really breathing, though. His meds have decreased tremendously, he's healthy and shows signs of develop and I thrilled. So what makes my tears of joy and relief change to exhaustion and depression? I'm always hearing about these mothers on "happy pills". Do I need those? Maybe just a good martini.
So I'm not sure this was the best place to expose myself, but I think the more mothers show themselves as vulnerable become healthier mothers. No one knows the total package of how they child will grow and develop. Ours had a rough start and is showing us what a survivor he is. My feelings should be "phew, we're through the hard stuff". However, now I'm starting to over analyze. The idea of Autism is coming into my brain. How can you prevent it, how will you know if it's happening? Maybe it's not Autism, maybe it's something else. Will he walk, will he need glasses, what will happen after he's off O2 and he begins to struggle for air? Daily questions on a moving conveyor that never stops. The funny thing is that Baby GL knows only his life of playing, pooping, eating and sleeping. Oh the simple life. Right now, I'm watching Baby GL press the buttons repeatedly on his bouncer and when the music stops, he bounces and chews on his fingers and O2 cording. So then I wonder why do I do this to myself!
Until I can find a cure for motherhood, I think I settle for a cup of coffee and a comfy chair.
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