My updates have been very few lately which makes me a bad blogger. It's an interesting transition from when I was emotionally required to update daily because there was so much information to remember. That was the original idea behind documenting my son's progress. I wanted to remember. There were so many milestones and precious moments that get pushed aside by the more emotional memories. Lately the memory of my son's 8th day of life has been lingering in my mind.
The first days in the NICU the doctors say the first 7 days are the the most critical. I'm not sure I agree with that. The first 7 days were like walking on a frozen lake on a warm day. You weren't sure if it was safe but you took the risk anyway. Maybe while you walked on the ice it made you nervous but it still supported you until you made it to solid ground. Maybe it's a silly metaphor but the anxiety you feel in your body is very similar, or so it was for me. Gianluca did as most children do in their first 7 days. It was the 8th day that will remain in my mind for many years to come.
At 21 months of age, corrected he would be almost 18 months, he amazes us. I think that's why that horrible day stays as a reminder for me to not take any moment with my son for granted. It's been very difficult the last few months while I've been working full time. I never had the desire to be a working mom. Unfortunately, the economy calls me to work. At least we are blessed with my family and opposite work schedules that Gianluca can stay at home safely during the flu season to receive his home therapy.
The last month has be an incredible journey of walking for Gianluca. I've missed a lot of those first steps. It's when I get home that my husband stops me and sets Gianluca on his feet and shows me what he's done that day. Emotions of sadness and excitement swell inside me at those moments. The wonderful feeling is that since I'm not home as much, Gianluca seems to prefer being with me when I'm home.
Gianluca knows when the front door opens. Even if we're quiet he can hear the squeak of the hinge and he pauses to try to focus on who is walking through the door. When he sees it's me he smiles ear to ear and wiggles his way over either crawling or now walking. Once he reaches me he pulls at my pants to have me lift him up. Interestingly enough, I don't get a welcome home kiss, I get the excited smack on the face. Oh well, I take what I can get. He then carries on about his day with cute baby murmuring. It's just amazing. What would have come of our family if we would have made the other decision on that 8th day to not continue to save him? We would have missed out on the last 20 months of pure joy. It will be an ongoing process to release the guilt I still feel from even considering the thought of "pulling the plug". I can't imagine how parents, who have endured the loss of a child, begin the healing process.
On a happier note, Gianluca is walking now. We had some rough night with a new molar that popped up this month but the walking has made up for the sleepless nights. He thinks its a game to walk across the room. From the couch to the toy box to the ottoman back to the toy box, it goes on and on. The laughter just fills us full every time he does it. Now he'll work on getting up from the floor to walking. Right now he can only find his balance starting out from a standing position maybe from the support of the furniture or from us holding his hand. First comes the stumbling walk next the running down the hall. Can't wait!
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